More thoughts on Louie or how I keep second guessing what I did...

I torture myself in second guessing my decision on letting Louie be put to sleep.
What keeps rolling around in my head is that Louie was old.  I wanted to wait and get a second opinion.   All I could do was think about what sort of pain he was in.  A break like he had would have had a human screaming and demanding pain killers.
We'd had to wait for their surgeon to operate on him.  My Louie was in pain NOW.
I keep thinking that we could have waited a day for a second opinion.
But there was no guarantee of anything.  He could have died on the table.

I think, I have to believe that I did what was best for him.
I have to believe that or this will break me even more than I am.

This is a full house but it is a quiet house.  Too quiet.

Louie, Louie...

Louie, Louie...

My last post was some 6 years ago.
I have been remiss.  Usually I try to write something once or twice a year but some how I just didn't.
Writing, I find, is a good way of expressing my grumpiness.

Today though I am sad.
I had a cat.  This is Louie.  He was being adorable as always

Actually, I lived with 1 human male and 5 boy cats.  Today I have 1 human male and 4 boy cats.
My beautiful old boy Louie suffered a fall and his back leg was a mess.    Louie was 14 or possibly a little older, we don't know.  We broke him out of the 'slam' (a shelter) and took him home and he ruled us like a mafia don from that day forward.
His former servant had either died or gone into a nursing home and no one wanted that 11 yr old cat.  I sit here and I find it hard to believe that no one had wanted this totally unbelievable awesome cat.
I have this hole in my heart right now from not being able to look over and seeing him in his spot on the cat tree or pawing my leg so that I'd pick him up for a cuddle.
I miss this cat more than I can believe and I think it is because there was the suddenness of it all.
Louie didn't have front claws.  He'd been multilated by someone who didn't want their furniture clawed.  Ok, I can see that.  You don't need a cat then.  You need a dog.
Anyway....
I think he fell off the cat tower we had in their catio and landed on a chair that was in there and that was when his leg was shattered.  Bone had splintered and was pushing against his skin.  In a human, they would have had to do surgery to move the bone into place and then put pins in.  I would assume that they same would have had to be done to Louie.  When I found Louie, his little leg just flopped.  I shouted for Tim told him to get dressed and to grab my cc's and we took off to the emergency vets.  It wasn't far.
We waited for word.
Word came.  2 bones were broken a skinny bone and the bigger bone. That was in the area below what would be his knee.
Amputation or surgery that couldn't be done for a few days.
We had a decision to make.  Quality of life or release.  The amputation of his claws had caused him to fall.  He could only fall.  He couldn't save himself.
We decided to let him sleep.
We said goodbye and I stayed with him as he took his last breath.
Today, Monday, we took him to a place where he would be cremated.  I figure we'll scatter his ashes in the yard where he can be free to explore.
Yeah, I know.  That is all very fanciful but it gives me a little comfort.   He's dead and all the stuff we are doing now is merely for our benefit and the benefit of the business we took him too.
My beautiful bossy boy will always be in my heart and my imagination.  Words can not express just how unique he was.

WTF?

I thought I had made a friend.
I thought the enjoyment was mutual.  I had someone I really did NOT have to invest in emotionally.  I had had a couple of messages saying that he was having some difficulty and could not make an appointment with me.  I said that was not a problem and offered to be supportive. I was doing my damnest to be sincere about being supportive since I do not understand the emotional issues.  But, I am always willing to listen and simply be there.
Days went by, no word and I worried because, well...I understand from others what happens when one gets depressed.  I did get a reply eventually that said he was ok.
More days go by.  I wonder, but I believe in giving space and I did not want to sound naggy or clingy.
I sent off a few more text messages. 
...and more.
and a few more after that...that I thought would be seen as humourous.   No word.
A new month started.
No word.  I send off a note to his 2 accounts.
A couple of weeks roll by and I check again to find out both accounts are gone. 
Gone, like they were never there.
If a person is done....if they do not want to see me any more........fine.  Tell me so that I am not sending text after text.  Give me back my house key.   Man the fuck up, and let me know so that I don't waste any more of my time on you.   To just up and go away is just rude.
I trusted you enough to give you a key to where I live.  I asked nothing in return except some respect.
You disappoint me.
I, am done with you.

Perverse vs kink...or just plain wrong?

I had a question today following something I had been discussing with someone earlier online.
I was trying to understand about the 'daddy/little' kink.  Personally, I find it a little disturbing, but I try to keep an open mind. After all, it is between consenting adult, emphasis on adult.
The question I just put to a friend, was

"do you ever wonder if what you feel or want is perverse rather than kinky? Do you think there is a difference between the 2? Would the difference be between different view points of let's say....a 'normal' type person and the kink community? And then, even within the kink community, when does something stop being merely kink and become perverse?"

I asked because after the discussion I had earlier in the day with some, stirred up some odd feelings.  The truth being, I don't know if I find this kinky or if I should find this just plain wrong.

A little soul baring might be in order here.  Way back in the '60's, when I was 10 years old, I was told to come in a room, take off my pants/shorts and lie back on the bed.  I'm 10 years old.  I obey.  I was told to relax, I wasn't going to be hurt.  So I laid there, not really afraid but very...confused.  I didn't have a choice.  Nothing was in my control, but when you are a kid, very little ever is.
I essentially was given a massage...for lack of a better word and a bit of a hazy memory.  It was a hot day, no air except a fan, I remember that.  I simply laid there and was caressed.   There was these large hands rubbing my legs, inside of my thighs, just always teasing the v section of my legs.  I remember a voice asking me if it felt good and if I liked it and I remember saying that I needed to go.  The voice would then tell me in a little bit I could go, but right now I should just lie back and relax.

There is the beginning of my having to be in control all the time.
It is also why I like big hands and big men.   Is this sick? Disturbing? Yes and yes....but has made me who I am...and I like that person.
'nuff said.

memories...

I used to have a cousin.

Yah, I know, most of us do. But this one was different. When I was younger, he was one of the many cousins I had that actually liked me. See, I was different. I wasn't blood related to any of them being 'adopted' and all.
This cousin's name was Bobby. Bobby was gay. We used to hang out together and he'd take me to these clubs down on Gillespie St. in Fayetteville, NC. He'd come over, I'd put him in make-up and I'd dress all butch and off we'd go. It was the most fun I can remember having during that rather dark period of life. I almost got married during that time....a bit different time then. I'd been married to someone I'd known since childhood and had taken to bed...but that's a different story.
Anyway, Bobby and I had a lot of fun then. He was the only cousin I had that accepted me just as I was. Warts and all (no, I didn't actually have warts...) could it have been because Bobby was gay and was unaccepted by even his own family? Possibly. His father once asked me to 'make him a man'...the implication that I have sex with Bobby. Like this would make Bobby a man. But, well, Bobby and I did do some fooling around and I have to say....he could do things to my ears that well....when he was done, I near about lost it. In all my years since, I've never met anyone since who came close to being able to match that. But we never did sleep together and Bobby told me that he had in fact, had sex with a girl. He much preferred to have sex with men thank you! I didn't have a problem with it. I don't understand why others do.
Anyway, I moved away and I heard later that Bobby joined the army. I had to laugh. That was really putting the fox in with the hens. He did ok. Finished his time without being found out or discharged.
Then, some time in the late 80's or early 90's I hear that Bobby is dead. According to my late mother, he 'died of the AIDS'. He died alone. No family. Well, I assume he died alone, I do imagine he would have had some friends but, no family. My mother had liked him, but not enough to put herself out for him. I know she said that none of the family went to see him, but I think some of them went to the memorial. I think all AIDS deaths were cremated.
Bobby was such a whore. He said so himself. He loved men and he loved sex with men. I think there would have been no one person that was special. I don't know if that was what he was looking for. I remember he was in love so often. He could never decide on just one, so there was the many. I shudder to think of how many he may have actually infected before he was diagnosed. It would have upset him.

I miss my cousin Bobby. He was sweet, cute and had a wonderful lively smile. I'd like to think that we would have kept in touch somehow. It would have been easier now days, with computers and all, but I was moving around so much at that time that well.....I hate to write...and by the time I would have received a reply, I may have been in another state.

AIDS.

'nuff said

Its a new year. hurrah

So, its a new year and I should get busy and get something posted. But I haven't felt like putting anything out as I have been well, forgetful. I think sometimes that I actually have something to say and then, I just forget what it was that was either pissing me off so badly or I get distracted...SQUIRREL!

I could tell you how cute my cats are acting but that would interest no one but me and is hardly worth mentioning. But they are cute and I dote on them. I could tell you that I think parts of My Chemical Romance's cd The Black Parade sounds like it was influenced by Pink Floyd. But who does that interest? I like the band. I like emos. They are all so cute in their black lace, leather, white make-up, etc.

What I like about them is that they are so busy trying to insist they are all in black because of one reason or another and want to assert their individuality so they can look like all the other little emos out there.... Its laughable, almost, but they are young and seem to be so desperately trying to fit in with others they think are like them. It seems that no one wants to be an individual any more. They have to be 'something'. Identified with 'something'. There are those who are an individual. Those are the ones they make movies about. But these kids do not seem to know that.

That could bring me to a rant I've been saving up on the educational system, but I only have the beginnings of that rant going and its not ready to appear just yet.

'nuff said'

Humiliation: Good idea? Bad idea?

I've been asked about my view on using humiliation as a bdsm tool. Personally, I can't see doing it, not as a part of how I do things. Let's take a look at it: humiliation is the tearing down of someone's self esteem.

What useful propose does it serve? All I see at first is the use of humiliation to build up one's self by tearing down someone else's self esteem.

That's just wrong in my opinion. I may as well shout to the world that I see myself as worthless and must destroy others to make myself look better. As a dominant...I see that as having no control in my personal life. If that is something I'd have to do to make myself seem....'more' then well, that's a rather significant flaw I think. Its something that would cross over into vanilla life. I'd be rude to people I see as insignificant.

I've seen this sort of behaviour in the vanilla world much too often. I'm sure you've seen it too. We see it in tv shows, news reports and while standing in line at the check-out counter. We see it with parents, with children and with people in authority. Do we need it in kink also?

Some people think so. I get requests for it a lot. "Humiliate me Mistress". It may be a genuine need. I simply can't see myself doing it. I don't need to build myself up. I'm comfortable with whom and what I am. It maybe be that I could humiliate someone but my fear is that I'd tear them down and give them nothing in return except fear.

Not that fear is a bad thing mind you....but I like creating fear in another way entirely.

So, humiliation is a limit for me.

'nuff said!