Friday, February 23, 2007

Strange mood swings and marriage

I want to get married.

I'm hoping this is a passing phase or summat. I've had this 'urge' for a week now. I've been listening to love songs wondering what would be my 'music'. I've decided that I want this little duet by Streisand and Adams, or maybe cetera and cher....or this one that makes me cry....Streisand and Vince Gill.

I thought I had finally killed this romantic streak I used to have. I thought it was dead and buried. Instead I find myself singing these little ditties. GEEZUS! Someone tell me that I can't have it like I want. I can't make do with only one male in my life. That's just unnatural. Who made up these rules?

I need a harem of men. Variety....yanno?

Still, I keep thinking about marriage. Truth be told, I'd love to have a grand passion that would just sweep me away. But that silly stuff only happens in those bodice ripping romance novels. Perhaps once upon a time that happened. You know, the look across a crowded room, a chance touch...you know, the spark.

I thought I had buried my dreams of romance and grand passion along with Timothy. Sure there were some other males in me life but nothing worth keeping. Well...there is Brian but he's a story that isn't mine to tell. I'm still very fond of him...prolly more than I should be. He's the only person that I actually open my arms to hug. I love his hugs. Its like being wrapped up in a warm safe haven. Yes, he makes me feel 'safe'. I haven't felt safe in god knows how long.

What do I mean 'safe'? I'm safe enough here you know. I can call for help, I can shoot, I can run. I feel safe like that. But Brian when he holds me.....I feel safe. I don't understand it either so don't bug me about it.

I don't know why I want to be married. Maybe it is so that I can provide Jack with a 'father'. Ya, I know.....no one will love Jack like I do, but every cat needs a daddy figure to run to when I'm feeling not quite so slave-like to him.

I think its these song that make me yearn for the grand passion...these love songs. Take the duet by Arron Neville and Linda Ronstat "Don't know much". It is so sweet, slow and passionate. I think its that society tells us that we are only allowed to passionately love ONE person. Why can't we passionately love others? Why only one? Maybe that is why so many of these love songs are also depressing. They pile all these expectations on just one person and that person is only human. Unless that fellow is Fabio. That guy is hunky. He's not big on brains but geezus....I'm not interested in listening to him ponificate on the meaning of life! Its the hair......he's just so romantic looking....with that accent.

*sigh*

Now that I've had that fantasy break, lets get back to my grand passion.

I don't have one. Nothing excites me anymore. Seriously. I could be meeting Queen Elizabeth and I don't think I could work up a good yawn. William now, well, I admire him....he's living in a fish bowl and doing it with a bit of grace. Yup, he's something good.

It's not good this inability to get excited. I still laugh, cry and feel emotional. I worry about Jack when I let him outtside to go roam a bit. He's not the smartest kitten in the basket. There is a lot that he doesn't know about dogs and cars and cruel people. Still, if I don't let him out he whines all damn day.

Its more than I can take. I try to sit with him outside for a while. The sunshine is good for me and I just want to see what is up so that I can worry less about him. Jake I didn't worry about so much. He was happy to be inside with his face in his food bowl. Jack travels before I feed him. That way, he comes when I call because he should know that I'll be feeding him his wet food.

I'm still singing love songs. I have a lot of Bryan Adams on my computer. He wrote some great tunes for movies....like the Prince of Thieves movie and Don Juan DeMarco........which is actually a very good movie. All star cast that make you feel like you really are just sort of peeking into their life.
Brando and Dunaway......great together.

I'm jumping around with different things tonight. Thinking of Brando and Dunaway made me thing of Tracy and Hepburn......now there was a love affair. Bogart and Bacall, another love affair that was a grand passion.

I think I had one once. This man was amazing. I was in love.....in love, in love you know? He'd call and my palms would sweat! He could make me forget that I was still in curlers and no make up. With him I felt that I was the only person that mattered and I was safe. By safe this time, I mean, physically safe. He was a former Green Beret. Once he went away and I was a wreck. I didn't know what happened to him. No word, nothing. He was gone. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I cried all the time. Then one day I walked into where we used to meet and there he was. I couldn't move. Then, I couldn't stand. I had to be helped into a chair. Then, it was like nothing had happened. He was back and I couldn't get enough of him. That was my grand passion until Timothy....and I won't talk about that cause Timothy's dead...and I'm still dealing with it. That's been over 10 yrs ago. You'd think I'd be over the guilt. Oh well.

I still want to be married. But I think the urge is getting less and less. I'll be glad when I go back to my cynical self again.

'nuff said