Wednesday, August 06, 2014


I thought I had made a friend.
I thought the enjoyment was mutual.  I had someone I really did NOT have to invest in emotionally.  I had had a couple of messages saying that he was having some difficulty and could not make an appointment with me.  I said that was not a problem and offered to be supportive. I was doing my damnest to be sincere about being supportive since I do not understand the emotional issues.  But, I am always willing to listen and simply be there.
Days went by, no word and I worried because, well...I understand from others what happens when one gets depressed.  I did get a reply eventually that said he was ok.
More days go by.  I wonder, but I believe in giving space and I did not want to sound naggy or clingy.
I sent off a few more text messages. 
...and more.
and a few more after that...that I thought would be seen as humourous.   No word.
A new month started.
No word.  I send off a note to his 2 accounts.
A couple of weeks roll by and I check again to find out both accounts are gone. 
Gone, like they were never there.
If a person is done....if they do not want to see me any more........fine.  Tell me so that I am not sending text after text.  Give me back my house key.   Man the fuck up, and let me know so that I don't waste any more of my time on you.   To just up and go away is just rude.
I trusted you enough to give you a key to where I live.  I asked nothing in return except some respect.
You disappoint me.
I, am done with you.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Perverse vs kink...or just plain wrong?

I had a question today following something I had been discussing with someone earlier online.
I was trying to understand about the 'daddy/little' kink.  Personally, I find it a little disturbing, but I try to keep an open mind. After all, it is between consenting adult, emphasis on adult.
The question I just put to a friend, was
"do you ever wonder if what you feel or want is perverse rather than kinky? Do you think there is a difference between the 2? Would the difference be between different view points of let's say....a 'normal' type person and the kink community? And then, even within the kink community, when does something stop being merely kink and become perverse?"
I asked because after the discussion I had earlier in the day with some, stirred up some odd feelings.  The truth being, I don't know if I find this kinky or if I should find this just plain wrong.

A little soul baring might be in order here.  Way back in the '60's, when I was 10 years old, I was told to come in a room, take off my pants/shorts and lie back on the bed.  I'm 10 years old.  I obey.  I was told to relax, I wasn't going to be hurt.  So I laid there, not really afraid but very...confused.  I didn't have a choice.  Nothing was in my control, but when you are a kid, very little ever is.
I essentially was given a massage...for lack of a better word and a bit of a hazy memory.  It was a hot day, no air except a fan, I remember that.  I simply laid there and was caressed.   There was these large hands rubbing my legs, inside of my thighs, just always teasing the v section of my legs.  I remember a voice asking me if it felt good and if I liked it and I remember saying that I needed to go.  The voice would then tell me in a little bit I could go, but right now I should just lie back and relax.

There is the beginning of my having to be in control all the time.
It is also why I like big hands and big men.   Is this sick? Disturbing? Yes and yes....but has made me who I am...and I like that person.
'nuff said.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


I used to have a cousin.

Yah, I know, most of us do. But this one was different. When I was younger, he was one of the many cousins I had that actually liked me. See, I was different. I wasn't blood related to any of them being 'adopted' and all.
This cousin's name was Bobby. Bobby was gay. We used to hang out together and he'd take me to these clubs down on Gillespie St. in Fayetteville, NC. He'd come over, I'd put him in make-up and I'd dress all butch and off we'd go. It was the most fun I can remember having during that rather dark period of life. I almost got married during that time....a bit different time then. I'd been married to someone I'd known since childhood and had taken to bed...but that's a different story.
Anyway, Bobby and I had a lot of fun then. He was the only cousin I had that accepted me just as I was. Warts and all (no, I didn't actually have warts...) could it have been because Bobby was gay and was unaccepted by even his own family? Possibly. His father once asked me to 'make him a man'...the implication that I have sex with Bobby. Like this would make Bobby a man. But, well, Bobby and I did do some fooling around and I have to say....he could do things to my ears that well....when he was done, I near about lost it. In all my years since, I've never met anyone since who came close to being able to match that. But we never did sleep together and Bobby told me that he had in fact, had sex with a girl. He much preferred to have sex with men thank you! I didn't have a problem with it. I don't understand why others do.
Anyway, I moved away and I heard later that Bobby joined the army. I had to laugh. That was really putting the fox in with the hens. He did ok. Finished his time without being found out or discharged.
Then, some time in the late 80's or early 90's I hear that Bobby is dead. According to my late mother, he 'died of the AIDS'. He died alone. No family. Well, I assume he died alone, I do imagine he would have had some friends but, no family. My mother had liked him, but not enough to put herself out for him. I know she said that none of the family went to see him, but I think some of them went to the memorial. I think all AIDS deaths were cremated.
Bobby was such a whore. He said so himself. He loved men and he loved sex with men. I think there would have been no one person that was special. I don't know if that was what he was looking for. I remember he was in love so often. He could never decide on just one, so there was the many. I shudder to think of how many he may have actually infected before he was diagnosed. It would have upset him.

I miss my cousin Bobby. He was sweet, cute and had a wonderful lively smile. I'd like to think that we would have kept in touch somehow. It would have been easier now days, with computers and all, but I was moving around so much at that time that well.....I hate to write...and by the time I would have received a reply, I may have been in another state.


'nuff said

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Its a new year. hurrah

So, its a new year and I should get busy and get something posted. But I haven't felt like putting anything out as I have been well, forgetful. I think sometimes that I actually have something to say and then, I just forget what it was that was either pissing me off so badly or I get distracted...SQUIRREL!

I could tell you how cute my cats are acting but that would interest no one but me and is hardly worth mentioning. But they are cute and I dote on them. I could tell you that I think parts of My Chemical Romance's cd The Black Parade sounds like it was influenced by Pink Floyd. But who does that interest? I like the band. I like emos. They are all so cute in their black lace, leather, white make-up, etc.

What I like about them is that they are so busy trying to insist they are all in black because of one reason or another and want to assert their individuality so they can look like all the other little emos out there.... Its laughable, almost, but they are young and seem to be so desperately trying to fit in with others they think are like them. It seems that no one wants to be an individual any more. They have to be 'something'. Identified with 'something'. There are those who are an individual. Those are the ones they make movies about. But these kids do not seem to know that.

That could bring me to a rant I've been saving up on the educational system, but I only have the beginnings of that rant going and its not ready to appear just yet.

'nuff said'

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Humiliation: Good idea? Bad idea?

I've been asked about my view on using humiliation as a bdsm tool. Personally, I can't see doing it, not as a part of how I do things. Let's take a look at it: humiliation is the tearing down of someone's self esteem.

What useful propose does it serve? All I see at first is the use of humiliation to build up one's self by tearing down someone else's self esteem.

That's just wrong in my opinion. I may as well shout to the world that I see myself as worthless and must destroy others to make myself look better. As a dominant...I see that as having no control in my personal life. If that is something I'd have to do to make myself seem....'more' then well, that's a rather significant flaw I think. Its something that would cross over into vanilla life. I'd be rude to people I see as insignificant.

I've seen this sort of behaviour in the vanilla world much too often. I'm sure you've seen it too. We see it in tv shows, news reports and while standing in line at the check-out counter. We see it with parents, with children and with people in authority. Do we need it in kink also?

Some people think so. I get requests for it a lot. "Humiliate me Mistress". It may be a genuine need. I simply can't see myself doing it. I don't need to build myself up. I'm comfortable with whom and what I am. It maybe be that I could humiliate someone but my fear is that I'd tear them down and give them nothing in return except fear.

Not that fear is a bad thing mind you....but I like creating fear in another way entirely.

So, humiliation is a limit for me.

'nuff said!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Its that time of year once again....

I was mostly always convinced that this time of year was a commercial creation.

What the dickens does Santa Claus have to do with the birth of Jesus? When did we go from celebrating a birth of a wise man, to 8 tiny reindeer disturbing yer sleep?

Tell me! It makes no sense.

I don't celebrate this holiday. I acknowledge that perhaps Jesus was really born this month, but I'm more inclined to believe that the Christian church in their zeal to convert pagans, perverted pagan holidays into Christian ones...lets sugar coat that conversion.

Now, its simply a money making deal.

Where is Jesus going though the money changers at the temple when we really need him?

I think He'd be a bit disappointed at what we've done in His name.

Makes me glad I am Buddhist in my outlook.

'nuff said!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

a WTMF moment...

A friend of mine went to a slosh in another state recently. He said, "I got an invitation home, from a submissive, and I asked her how her Dom would feel about that. She said "He pretty much does what I tell him to do.""

My jaw dropped and I typed, "What???"

He goes, "Yeah".

"Geezus!" I typed

He goes on to say, "I asked her to explain that and she said "Being a dom is a privilege."

Typing that made me feel besmirched. I feel unclean. It makes me want to hang up my straps and take up knitting. I have to go wash my hands now...probably in acid....the dirt goes so deep.

Back now.... But of course it is a privilege to be Dominant. Not every body is cut out to be a dominant person, some can only do it with permission! But I took her meaning to be that of a submissive who isn't. It was so damn disrespectful it made me want to go out and smack some unsuspecting subbie.

Privilege. Bah.

This is the thinking of the current bdsm community. It sucks, it reeks of a reekiness. It is the beginning of the decline of bdsm as it was, as it should be. It is the thinking of those who are all about the safety nazis. It is the thinking of those who can not think for themselves and can only find what they think they are by reading sites dedicated to telling you what you can and can not do as a dominant and how much power you have as a submissive.

As my friend said, he can remember when submission was a NEED not a WANT. Too many people are now getting mixed up in it that should not be allowed out of their little padded cells. They are damaged souls, twisted minds and that does include both the dominants and the subs. This was a magnificent subculture that has now become main stream. And in doing so, it has attracted both the best and the worst of humanity. It is now where the submissives have set themselves up as the final arbitrators of what is allowed to with dominants. The Dominants have now become the toys of the submissives.

Raise yer hand if that sounds so very wrong to you....

NATURALLY, in the SSC and RACK and other capitalized words.....when one takes on a sub, there is that period of negotiation. We all need limits spelt out. But once agreed upon that should be where it ends. If you don't trust him/her, don't be there.

But, that won't work for the little safety nazis....nope, they want more and demand more. In return, they ruin it for everyone.

My boys have it easy. They either trust me or not. They submit or they do not. I make certain promises to them. They accept my terms or not. I'm not here to cater to their little whimpering egos or desire to control what I do. Once they hand off to me, that's it. Their only way to stop what is to befall them is to utter their safe word. A moment to rest, then a question: "are you ready to continue?" Yes or no decides the next moment.

she said "Being a dom is a privilege." No, being a truly submissive submissive is a privilege.