Sunday, July 31, 2005

the making of a Dominant

I have to thank a slave william for this blog. It was something he said in one of his last emails that got me thinking.

While I have writing a bit about subs, I've never actually written about Dominants other than to criticize them. Some need to taken out back and beat like a rug. Some are just too magnificent to be believed. Some I am in awe of and make me wish to bend my knee to them. I remember old conversations I had with those I am in awe of and one thing I remember that didn't strike me as odd then but I find odd now, is that each and every one of those awesome Dominants was familiar with the Sun Tzu.

"Sun Tzu?", you are thinking, "Who dat?"

Well, my little monkeys, he wrote a little book way back called the Art of War. It is still used to this day not only in the military, but also in business. It is the closest thing to an owners manual that a human being has. I'd read it because I used to date a former Green Beret that used to quote Tzu quite a bit. I am not suggesting that the submissive is the enemy, but only that handling them can be done as such. After all, as when one dominants, one conquers.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I'm not mean, yer a sissy!

I was chatting with a friend one evening at a munch and we ended up talked about styles.... She then said...women are more cruel then men.

She is right.

For sheer cruelty, you can't touch what a woman can do. It doesn't matter if its physical or mental cruelty, women just are better at it. Men can seem to only hurt you in certain ways only if you let them. If it's mental cruelty a man is doing, it can only hurt you if you allow it. If you know what his game is, then it might sting, but you really understand that he's just blowing it out his ass. If a man is beating someone, and I'm not talking about lifestyle things where there are RULES, but rather abuse, he may be cruel a the time, but he'll stop and then feel bad then be good for a while. By the way, if you are in a situation like that... GET THE FUCK OUT. Run. There are all kinds of places to hide. No woman should ever be abused. Ever. Get out before someone dies.

Now, going back to lifestyle things....Women play harder. I'm not sure why. I know why I do things, its because I'm a sadist. I admit it. I enjoy their pain. A lot of women however, do not. At least not to the degree that I like. I'm not saying this is dominantion. Its not. It's pain at its pure form for my enjoyment. Would you believe it does not sexually excite me? I'm serious. I derive a great deal of enjoyment out of it, but it doesn't arouse me. Personally, I think sex would just ruin the whole mood. Am I wrong? I don't think so and that is all that matters as far as I am concerned.

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I'm gonna share summat with you all. It's my deepest darkest fantasy. It might scare some of you.

Are you ready?

(deep breath)



Sorry, not going to tell you. It scares me.

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Speaking of scaring, I promised a sub that I would scare him. Time will tell if I scared him very badly or not. He'd been asking for limits pushed. He also mentioned that he didn't give over control so well.

Today I didn't give him that option.

""Step into my parlor', said the spider to the fly", I whispered to him as I not only had him cuffed to the cross, but then wrapped his arms and legs to it as well with industrial strength shrink wrap. He could not move. He could not wiggle. Helpless.

He didn't much like it.

He was ....... afraid. (shivers)

I then whispered to him, "A safe word is only an illusion". If you think about it, technically that is true. He had to trust me. At that point I don't think he knew if he did or didn't. At that point I had my wicked way with him and didn't give him time to think.

I could taste his fear. I could have rolled around in it like a cat would roll around in catnip. It was so delightful. I said things to him to make him even more fearful. I think it worked. When I thought he had had enough, and was about to panic, I stopped and let him rest and then chatted with him about that experience.

It took me a while to figure out what I was going to do. I knew I was going to teach him fear, but not how I was going to do it. I had to work myself into the mind frame most of the day.

I do believe I pushed some of his limits nearly to their breaking point.

Maybe some of you are thinking.....oh now...that just ain't right. Welp, I can prove that I did tell him that I was going to show him fear and that I couldn't tell him how but that I was going to do it. He had ample warning. Now I can go back to being my normal self with him. If I'm lucky, he may post here and tell all of you about the experience.

Wouldn't that be nice? I think so too.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

a scare...involving Master Jake

Master Jake got in a fight Wed. night.

He was on the business end of some teeth or claw and got his bad ear punctured.

My poor baby was listless, wouldn't eat, would cry, would sort of pad softly from one area to another. I thought he was mad about something....because if I have not done what he wants, I get the cold shoulder. Instead, when I go to bed, he's curled up on Alan's bed. I curled up with him and that's when I found it.

A massive hematoma on his bad ear.

Well, I did what any self respecting slave would do. I panicked. I called a buddy of mine who has cats and pleaded for help. He got here and he inspected Master Jake and looked in the phone book to see when a Vet would be open. 8am is when the offices open, but no doctors until 10am.

10am. A human doctor can be in his office at 8am, or 9am. These guys got it good.

However, my Jake was hurting and I was a mess. I iced his ear to keep the swelling down (based on the suggestion of my buddy) and it seemed to have helped.

Jake had tears coming out of his eyes....which were opened so wide as we went into the Vet's office. I have to say, I was about to get all soggy to, but I had to be strong so that he doesn't pick up on my panic. He let me know how unhappy he was to be there.

We finally got in to see the Vet. They wanted to operate on him!!! To take give him some sort of screen to keep the shape of his ear correct....which, as it is....Jake's ear is already messed up, it will never be right.

I tell them what the budget will afford and he goes hmmmm....and then takes Jake to another area where I can't go. I soon hear this big old yowl...and he comes back in and says they need to tranq my cat. Lord god in heaven...what are they doing to Jakers??? I say ok, because I have been on the business of his teeth before. The nail grew back nicely thank you.

So, a while later, this kid comes back with a very quiet and very .... stoned looking Jake in his arms. MY POOR JAKE! His head is bloody, his leg is all wet looking, and he looks like..."dude, weird trip". He's so groggy.

We pay the bill and off we go....he's not so groggy that he can't stuggle like crazy. We get home ok despite the fact that he wanted to make the trip on top of my feet. It was not good for him because I drive a stick.

So, now I have to squeeze Jake's ear every so often to get the stuff out of it and then give him a dropper of antibotics. He hates that squeezing on his ear. He's using words I didn't know he knew and if he weren't sick I'd wash his mouth out with soap. He is VERY vocal about I'm doing to him.

He's better now. He's eating....fussing about wanting to be let out....as if. When I don't have to press his ear he might be allowed, but until then....I don't think so.

I love my kitty....but I don't want to be scared like that ever again. How do parents ever handle sickness?

Sunday, July 17, 2005

A few events lately....

I don't know how many times I have heard people use the terms... "my Sir" "my Ma'am".
Its irritating. Stop it. The word is not a name or a noun and around me at least, it will not be used as if it were. It is a title, a display of respect and should only replace a name in direct conversation with the respected party.

Most people now use it now because they are ignorant. Granted the word has a bit of a charge to it...but don't mistake the charge for substance. "Call me 'sir'," results in subbies speaking of "my Sir" and doing things because "Sir said to." It's bad English and a poor relation to the original use of the word.

Don't do it. If this little rant upsets or annoys you.....tough. Use correct English fer gawd's sake.

Sheesh.

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Some of youse might remember some earlier postings.....had to do with a messy dom. Welp, we have buried the hatch.

NO, he didn't bury it in my skull.

gee whiz, yer a blood thirsty lot!

We talked, cleared the air.....I wanted to know if he had LISTENED to what had been said. People had been wanting to help him but it didn't seem to have been getting though to him at the time. I believe though, that the issue is now resolved. No more problem....at least with that bit.

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I went to a play party the other evening. I'm suprised my indignation isn't pouring out of me. I watched some perfectly lovely girl be caned at least twice in the waist and kidney area. I had no idea actually if there was a DM in charge or what. The people were nice enough....I had some lovely conversations, but geeze louise, isn't anyone concerned with sanitation, cleaniness, safety...etc? I dunno if I want to go back. I think if I go to any more play parties, they will be here at home where I know stuff is taken care of and things are cleaned...and where I know that people will be safe, or I will go to the Ft Wayne play parties that are on a more professional level.

And for those of you who are wondering....no, I didn't say anything about the caning or other stuff I saw.....I may do it in an email to someone. I know its going to piss someone off....but ya know...like that bothers me?

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For those of who know about Master Jake..... he's got a new computer desk to jump up on.
I was lucky enough to catch him in a full roll. I will have to reach the keyboard around his body now....which is not so bad. Its sort of cute with his little paws on my arm...or his big furry head on my arm. Slows down my typing a bit, but hey, its Jake, its worth it.

Oh, I have another little pic of him below...





He is full out snoring in the pic on the left. He does have a nasty habit of kicking the mouse. I would have taken another pic of him, but he doesn't like having his photo taken and soon after this one, he got up and ran.

Dumb cat.

Communication

I had the great privilege to talk to someone about communication last night. He said, "If you're a boss and were asked what communication is, you'd say that it was you telling me what to do. If you are an employee then it would be acknowledging what the boss just said. That is only HALF of what communication is." He went on to say that communication isn't even really taught at home or schools anymore because no one really understands it. We both agreed that communication is the talking back and forth of a subject until its equality understood by both parties.

If anyone has to understand what communication actually is, it's us in the lifestyle.....at no matter what level of experience, no matter what we have seen or heard: communication is the single most important aspect of what we are. Scenes have to be negotiated. A Dominant could actually tell the sub what's he or she is going to do. The sub could then give consent. But, if that Dom does something else....essentially throwing a wrench in the works....that is a break down in communication. The sub would then be within his or her rights to protest, to be angry...etc.

An email was recently sent out on a group I am part of. I'm going to post it here because I think it should be read by any and all. It's longish but important.

A couple of weeks ago a situation in a community I used to be active in, came to my attention. The situation is sad. First, there are 2 messages that I would like to communicate, one is about Consent and one is about safety. Neither are meant to be a lecture. The story is true. I am not going to tell you names, for that isn't what this is about.

But, so you have some idea, the Dominant in the story, has been in the lifestyle for 20 plus years and just recently, after losing his submissive to cancer, starting publicly playing with others again.

The submissive has been in the lifestyle for about 12 years. She is a single mother of 3 and was released about 4 months ago from her last Dominant.

The play party they were at was well know and frequented by many. There is 1 DM required for every 7 people and Sexual activity is allowed if all participants have negotiated it.

These 2 individuals had seen at each before and discussed scening together. Her limits were discussed. Sexual activity was not discussed, negotiated or approved. She consented to being tied, whipped, some limited knife play and wax play.

The scene was very intense. There was about 15 people watching it. There was a DM nearby. The submissive was naked bent over a bench and strapped into place. About an hour into the scene the sub has gone past the point of being able to consent or use safe words. It was critical the Dominant and the DM kept an eye on her. But what the Dominant did was undid his pants and had sexual intercourse with her. 1. The DM didn't know that it hadn't been consented to. 2. The spectators didn't know it hadn't been consented to 3. The sub was so deep she wasn't capable of speaking or denying him anything.

After the scene and the aftercare and the sub "came down" she realized what had happened and cried rape. It became very ugly after that for everyone.

Everyone wanted to blame everyone else for how it happened. The authorities were never brought into it. The community policed its own. Let's just say that those who were the senior members of the community put the burden of blame where it belonged. On the Dominant.

Now let me ask everyone this.
Would you scene or negotiate a scene with a person who is drunk? Would you scene or negotiate a scene with someone who is high? Would you scene or negotiate a scene with someone mentally handicapped? I am sure that at least everyone I know on this group, would say no.


One of the main reasons a scene is negotiated before it happens, is because at that point, if the above 3 issues are not present, both parties are of sound mind and full faculties to consent. I have no idea what "subspace" is, but based on information I have obtained and information from lifestyle friendly professionals, many of the
characteristics are similar to being "High" "drunk" or "mentally impaired" This
is not about arguing or questioning that (I am qualified to do that). But as
Dominant I know when I have taken a sub to that point, that my responsibility
for him/her triples, because they often become "putty" in my hands. At that point anything a Dominant does, that was not previously agreed to or
negotiated, is crossing the "line"


The second issue her is even more tragic. Most of the time when we talk about safety in this lifestyle we usually refer to BDSM Vs Abuse. Or the mental or psychological abuse a Dominant may inflict on a sub or slave, or even vice versa. We talk about safe words and safe calls. We talk about predators. But very seldom and on a very limited basis do we ever hear talk of sexual safety. Safety 101. The
basics we teach our kids. For many it is because BDSM isn't sexual in nature to
them. For some they don't practice safe sex, for some they leave it up to the "other" person to worry about it.


Well, the Dominant in this scenario has Aids. The "cancer" his wife died from was aids. He had infected her with it after contracting it from a "friend" It was only after the community looked deeper at this Dominant that any of this was discovered. After being tested the sub has been found to be carrying the HIV virus. Will she get AIDS? The chances are very high that she will. In essence, he signed her a death warrant.

The following links are just a few of many. Most lifestyles sites do have some info on "safe" sex.

This community no longer allows exchange of bodily fluids at any of their functions. what they have found is that more people now come to their events, not less. The Dominant is on a "watch" list and banned from play parties. The sub has turned to her "lifestyle" family for support and is in counseling.

Education, awareness and vigilance are the things that keep us the safest.

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/safesm2.html
http://www.sexuality.org/concise.html
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/faq/faq19.htm

Something I noticed leads me to believe that this is more like a warning than anything because I'd have his ass in jail for killing me....ESPECIALLY if I had 3 little kids that would lose their mother. Does it make your blood run cold? It does mine....because it could happen. Several warnings are here. I'll keep it in mind....will you?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Politeness and how to acquire it

From Emily Post's Book of Etiquette:

"Always abroad, and every really well-bred lady or gentleman here, says “please” in asking that something be brought her or him. “Please get me the book I left on the table in my room!” Or “Please give me some bread!” Or “Some bread, please.” Or one can say equally politely and omit the please, “I’d like some toast,” but it is usual and instinctive to every lady or gentleman to add “please.”

In refusing a dish at the table, one must say “No, thank you,” or “No, thanks,” or else one shakes one’s head. A head can be shaken politely or rudely. To be courteously polite, and yet keep one’s walls up is a thing every thoroughbred person knows how to do—and a thing that everyone who is trying to become such must learn to do
.
A rule can’t be given because there isn’t any. As said in another chapter, a well-bred person always lives within the walls of his personal reserve, a vulgarian has no walls—or at least none that do not collapse at the slightest touch. But those who think they appear superior by being rude to others whom fortune has placed below them, might as well, did they but know it, shout their own unexalted origin to the world at large, since by no other method could it be more widely published. "


'Nuff said......I think....

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Rudeness and how to avoid it.

Did your mother teach you manners?

Mine did. When I was older, she gave me a book. Emily Post's Book of Etiquette. It was about 2 in. thick. I have since lost it in moving around the country....but thankfully, there is a copy of it online.

There is this local Dom who told a friend of mine...also a Dom, that one had to be an asshole sometimes with submissives.

I went, "WTF"?
"Yup.", she said.

This is where I guess that when one is not secure in their role as a Dominant they must grasp what they can in order to bolster their own ego. Amongst vanillas, it is called 'tearing one down in order to build oneself on up'. No, no, no....that's just wrong.

There is no excuse for rudeness. Whether it is to a submissive or to a vanilla. It doesn't even matter if they are rude to you. You do not counter their rudeness with your own. Kill them with kindness if you must do something. It cost you nothing and really places the rude person on the spot, which, you will have to admit, is rather sadistic. It is so...subtle yet so thorough to turn their rudeness against them.

Now if you are in public at a restaurant or somewhere and the staff messes up....you don't have to be loud and obnoxious about things, it makes you look bad and embarasses everyone else. The best thing I've ever found for faulty service or incorrect orders is to simply be firm, smile and let them fall all over themselves to correct the mistake. Speak quietly to the wait staff if they are being surly. Could be they do not realize they are being testy. I assure you, if you ask them quietly if they are ok and remark on their attitude...they will change it in a heart beat. Money talks and for most servers, they are there for the money.

You are a Dominant, it is your place to correct gently but firmly. I do it. Your mom or dad did it. It does work on staff in public places. Just be quiet about what you are doing. Do it right and no one will even notice you are chastising anyone publically. Its sort of evil and I love it.

So, if yer a Dominant and you think its ok to be rude to the wait staff or to anyone else that might piss you off..... "Bad Dom, no beating."

Sunday, July 03, 2005

***rolling of the eyes***

I hear I'm losing all my submissives.

Geezus people, you got nothing better to do than speculate about what submissives I have?

I had one that I don't see anymore because I think he's confused as to some things...or maybe I'm confused. I thought I had sort of sent him out in good faith to be trained in other ways. Either way, he's gone his own way and good luck to him.

Now, just because one has left doesn't mean they all have left. You didn't think I have just one do you? Pish posh.....I have them in 3 states. Mind you, I don't see the out of state ones as much as I like, but I do see them on occasion as their time permits. I have a number from Indy that I see and some from my home area, Ft. Wayne, Lafayette...etc.

One left, not the others. They will be very suprised to know that they have all left my service.

Don't talk about what you don't know about. Ask me. I'll tell you if you really want to know.