musings, and not so a-musing

It is said, that god works in mysterious ways.

I remember driving home after I first went to work and praying......yes, me, praying; asking god to look after Jake. I pleaded with god to watch over him, not to let Jake get hurt, not to allow any of the horrible things I kept imagining happening from happening.

In a way, I'm here to tell you that prayer does work. Just not in the way that I actually imagined. I have to learn to be more specific in what I pray for. Jake is safe from all the nasty horrible things I prayed not to happen. Jake died because he got a little scratch from another cat in a fight.

I miss Jake. Not that I don't care for the new little master, but he's not Jake.

I'll tell you something creepy. While I was sitting here writing about Jake, Jack/Jake jumped up here on the desk to curl up and snooze. I swear, its like he knows and is trying very hard to be the sort of cat I used to have. He's so little and he tries so hard it seems. He does like Jake's litter box....deeper, more room to turn around and it has a cover. He's been playing in it. It means I can finally get all the litter he threw on the floor with the old box, cleaned up.

Oh, the creepy part.... When I turn out the light to go to bed. Just before I nod off, I feel something jump on the bed. It "feels" like when Jake used to jump up. I call his name...and I'll hear a purr....and my heart is content because Jake is on guard.

ya....God answers prayers in a sometimes seriously fucked up twisted and sadistic way.

But death isn't always the answer....yanno?

My daily drive....

I enjoy my drive to work.

I live in Kokomo. I drive to Fishers, Indiana every day. I have to be there at 6am. I get off work at noon.

I love the smells....well all except that pig farm somewhere on 213. In the mornings, its cool out. There is no one around except me and who ever else uses that road to go from one place to another. Usually, I don't see anyone for miles and miles. Its just me, my thoughts and the creatures of the night.

And corn....lots and lots of corn. At nights its creepy sorta. It just sort of is there. I keep thinking of stuff like 'Children of the Corn' and 'Signs' and other things that had critters in the cornfield that wanted to eat you or give you an anal probe or summat...

Still, in the morning, creepiness aside, its a good drive. Usually people don't get right on your ass with their bright lights. I had someone do that recently....all up in my back seat and then this DEER just ran out in front of me....

Nearly peed my pants.

That yahoo on my ass though....he backed off some. I didn't hit the deer, but it was scary there for a moment. I've had a bunch of animals trying to commit suicide by car. I've managed to avoid them.

Stupid deer.

Now, the drive home in the afternoon is just great too. There is a bit more traffic but not usually, there are a lot more places open to go to. I do recommend that you have gas.....cause there is one station between the beginning of 213 and where I turn onto 26. Its in a little place called Windfall. Sometimes you can turn and go to Tipton for gas.....you save about a mile. I had to go there today because I was running on fumes.

The drive home smells better than the drive in the morning. In the afternoon, there is the smell of sweetgrass everywhere. I just want to find a big ole patch of sweet grass and roll around in it. I love the smell.

It was a peaceful time for me actually. The most peaceful moment I've had since Jake died.
I'll be sorry when the assignment in Fishers ends.

Life goes on......

I wrote earlier that Jake is no more.

I didn't mention that there is a new Master in the house.

This is Jack/Jake. I haven't made up my mind yet. He keeps doing things that Jake used to do. It is both a nice familiar feeling...and a little amazing. Today he jumped on the desk and leaned on my chest the way that Jake used to do.....

Naturally, I lost it.

He's up here now, looking up at me wide eyed and full of trust. He's a sleepy baby. He'd been running wide open around the house....playing hard, jumping here and there. I am just so amazed by him.

We have spent most of Saturday snoozing. Me, snoozing because I'm just worn out from the emotions. All of that, no sleep........I was just TIRED, depressed, exhausted. I dunno why he was snoozing....except that he puts out a lot of energy when he's going full blast.

He's such a little man.....ruler of his world. I am so blessed to have him here. Please, don't let me fail him.

He's got a bit of a sniffle that bothers me. I read that kittens can get colds. Then I read about the dangers also present that look like colds. Its amazing they survive at all from what I've read.

Jake/Jack is a shelter kitten. As I understand it, they can pick up all sorts of interesting ailments from the shelter as well. I will have him checked out as soon as possible.

Some of you might think that with Jake barely cold in the grave, that I replaced him too soon. I didn't replace Jake. There is no replacing Jake. Jack/Jake will never be the cat my Jake was. He'll be his own cat with his own uniqueness. He's my little man.

'nuff said.

Jake: ? to June 27, 2006

Jake is dead.

My beautiful lop-eared, big-headed alley cat died Tues. afternoon from feline leukemia.
It's a nasty disease. There is no cure. There is a vaccination for prevention but I didn't think about it at the time when he got his shots the first time.

I keep seeing Jake out of the corner of my eyes. When I type, he's usually up here with his head on my hand/arm making it difficult to type. This time of morning, he'd be sitting at the window eyeballing the birds. When I get up, he'd shoot off the desktop and race me to the kitchen thinking I am about to feed him. Or if he wasn't on the desk, he's be on the couch all stretched out.

I keep seeing him out of the corner of my eyes.

I felt him jump up on the bed it seemed, but when I reached out, I found only air. I keep thinking he's going to walk in from where he's been napping to go lie down on the dog bed or jump up on the chair he's so fond of getting fur on. I don't hear him trying to sharpen his claws on the furniture. I don't have to yell at him to stop it. I don't have to try and stop him from trying to get out the open door. I wish I did. I wish he was here ignoring me, using me only to feed him, scratch his ears, chin..etc. I wish he was curled up next to me on my pillow waiting for me to fall asleep so that he could go off and do cat things. I wish a lot of things.

He died on Tues.

There was noone to wake me up on Wed afternoon while napping from walking on my tummy. There was no one curled up on my pillow, there no fighting for a certain spot on the bed, there was no warm furry body to reach out and touch when I woke up.

If there is a heaven, I know he's there. If there is any where that good cats go when they run out of lives, I know he's there; ear fixed and not sick.

...but I keep seeing him out of the corner of my eyes.