If anyone has to understand what communication actually is, it's us in the lifestyle.....at no matter what level of experience, no matter what we have seen or heard: communication is the single most important aspect of what we are. Scenes have to be negotiated. A Dominant could actually tell the sub what's he or she is going to do. The sub could then give consent. But, if that Dom does something else....essentially throwing a wrench in the works....that is a break down in communication. The sub would then be within his or her rights to protest, to be angry...etc.
An email was recently sent out on a group I am part of. I'm going to post it here because I think it should be read by any and all. It's longish but important.
A couple of weeks ago a situation in a community I used to be active in, came to my attention. The situation is sad. First, there are 2 messages that I would like to communicate, one is about Consent and one is about safety. Neither are meant to be a lecture. The story is true. I am not going to tell you names, for that isn't what this is about.
But, so you have some idea, the Dominant in the story, has been in the lifestyle for 20 plus years and just recently, after losing his submissive to cancer, starting publicly playing with others again.
The submissive has been in the lifestyle for about 12 years. She is a single mother of 3 and was released about 4 months ago from her last Dominant.
The play party they were at was well know and frequented by many. There is 1 DM required for every 7 people and Sexual activity is allowed if all participants have negotiated it.
These 2 individuals had seen at each before and discussed scening together. Her limits were discussed. Sexual activity was not discussed, negotiated or approved. She consented to being tied, whipped, some limited knife play and wax play.
The scene was very intense. There was about 15 people watching it. There was a DM nearby. The submissive was naked bent over a bench and strapped into place. About an hour into the scene the sub has gone past the point of being able to consent or use safe words. It was critical the Dominant and the DM kept an eye on her. But what the Dominant did was undid his pants and had sexual intercourse with her. 1. The DM didn't know that it hadn't been consented to. 2. The spectators didn't know it hadn't been consented to 3. The sub was so deep she wasn't capable of speaking or denying him anything.
After the scene and the aftercare and the sub "came down" she realized what had happened and cried rape. It became very ugly after that for everyone.
Everyone wanted to blame everyone else for how it happened. The authorities were never brought into it. The community policed its own. Let's just say that those who were the senior members of the community put the burden of blame where it belonged. On the Dominant.
Now let me ask everyone this.
Would you scene or negotiate a scene with a person who is drunk? Would you scene or negotiate a scene with someone who is high? Would you scene or negotiate a scene with someone mentally handicapped? I am sure that at least everyone I know on this group, would say no.
One of the main reasons a scene is negotiated before it happens, is because at that point, if the above 3 issues are not present, both parties are of sound mind and full faculties to consent. I have no idea what "subspace" is, but based on information I have obtained and information from lifestyle friendly professionals, many of the
characteristics are similar to being "High" "drunk" or "mentally impaired" This
is not about arguing or questioning that (I am qualified to do that). But as
Dominant I know when I have taken a sub to that point, that my responsibility
for him/her triples, because they often become "putty" in my hands. At that point anything a Dominant does, that was not previously agreed to or
negotiated, is crossing the "line"
The second issue her is even more tragic. Most of the time when we talk about safety in this lifestyle we usually refer to BDSM Vs Abuse. Or the mental or psychological abuse a Dominant may inflict on a sub or slave, or even vice versa. We talk about safe words and safe calls. We talk about predators. But very seldom and on a very limited basis do we ever hear talk of sexual safety. Safety 101. The
basics we teach our kids. For many it is because BDSM isn't sexual in nature to
them. For some they don't practice safe sex, for some they leave it up to the "other" person to worry about it.
Well, the Dominant in this scenario has Aids. The "cancer" his wife died from was aids. He had infected her with it after contracting it from a "friend" It was only after the community looked deeper at this Dominant that any of this was discovered. After being tested the sub has been found to be carrying the HIV virus. Will she get AIDS? The chances are very high that she will. In essence, he signed her a death warrant.
The following links are just a few of many. Most lifestyles sites do have some info on "safe" sex.
This community no longer allows exchange of bodily fluids at any of their functions. what they have found is that more people now come to their events, not less. The Dominant is on a "watch" list and banned from play parties. The sub has turned to her "lifestyle" family for support and is in counseling.
Education, awareness and vigilance are the things that keep us the safest.
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/safesm2.html
http://www.sexuality.org/concise.html
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/faq/faq19.htm
Something I noticed leads me to believe that this is more like a warning than anything because I'd have his ass in jail for killing me....ESPECIALLY if I had 3 little kids that would lose their mother. Does it make your blood run cold? It does mine....because it could happen. Several warnings are here. I'll keep it in mind....will you?
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