when a hug means so much........

I was a bad daughter.

I didn't intend to be. We won't discuss my teen years...that is just too painful to remember.
It is just that after we survived that.....and her menopause, things never seemed to get too much better.

I do remember being broke a lot...this was after the divorce and the family had all drifted away. Parents actually sort of went to pieces. Nothing ever seemed to go right. I did like the guys she dated though...I just adored one named 'Dave'. I wish that had worked out. Things might be so different. There was this other one too that was ok....he would have been good for her.

Better than one rotten selfish child.

I could have done so much more for her. I should have done more. If nothing else I could have been nicer. I remember one time she gave me some earrings. They were dangly, the type I liked. I can't remember if I liked those or not....though I think I did. She handed them to me and her whole attitude said...'apologetic', like they weren't good enough to give me. I could have hugged her...I could have made her happy by just giving her a gawddamn hug in appreciation.

I said they were great or something lame like that.

I lived then, in the south. Southerners are big on hugging. I can't bear to touch people. I will not give a hug though it takes something out of me to accept them. Sometimes, I can prepare for them and that works out ok.

I don't know why I'm like that. It is only with people that I have touched first that I will sometimes allow a spontantous gesture like a touch to not freak me out.

I was thinking about my mother tonight. I was looking at some earrings online and some I saw were in the style that my mother would sometimes give me. I turned onion eyed and well...I thought about it....and what I could have done to have made her life, if not easier....a little more happy...knowing that I loved her.
Which I did...and she knew I did...but there was just this thing about hugging.

God I miss my mother. I wish I could just hug her one more time. Please.